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Could Someone Please Pay Me Off Already?

I have been railing against the establishment in the legal profession for going on four years already. You would think that by now I would have annoyed at least a few well-established lawyers with deep pockets.

It seems to me that by this time someone would have offered to pay me at least six figures to abandon my principles, put down my metaphorical pen, and shut up.

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Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

Here are some of the questions potential clients asked me back when I was practicing law and the answers that I wanted to give them, but never did:

Q. How much will it cost to draft a shareholder’s agreement?

A. If you are shopping for professional services based on price, I really do not want you for a client. I suggest that you find a lawyer who will draft the agreement for you for $750.00 and pray that you never have a dispute with your partner.

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Chutzpah

A man murders his father and his mother and is prosecuted for both crimes. He is hauled up in front of the judge and pleads guilty. When it comes to sentencing, he begs for mercy because he is an orphan. That is the classic explanation of what constitutes chutzpah.

If you are looking for other examples of chutzpah, you may be able to find them in the legal profession.

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Murray’s Rant About Partners Meetings

I hated partners meetings. Not because I did not like most of my partners. In fact, I quite enjoyed spending time with the majority of them. But there were always one or two…

After many years of contemplating why I disliked partners meetings so much, I developed a theory. Here it is.

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How Much is Enough?

I accumulated some money practicing law. Not as much as I may have put away if I had practiced on Bay Street. Less than I would have held onto if I had not had a domestic reorganization. Not quite as much as I would have had if I had not made a few stupid financial decisions along the way. But, all in all, a tidy sum which should see me through my retirement in fairly good style if do not do anything stupid, get sick in an expensive way that is not covered by government health insurance or make any more dumb investments.

I have friends who have a lot more. They have bigger houses, fancier cars and more toys, and they travel more frequently and to more expensive destinations. Does this make them happier?

Yes, it does.

I really should have worked harder. And you should stop reading this nonsense and put in a few more billable hours.

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Accountants: Stay in Your Lane

I like accountants a lot. Most of them.  But as for the others, here is something that I always wanted to say when I was practicing law but it seemed like a bad idea at the time while I was looking for referrals: Stay in your bloody lane!

Good accountants do accounting, tax, business consulting and some other stuff that relates to numbers (although the business valuators that I know to seem to think that the average accountant should keep their mouth shut about valuations.)

Bad accountants incorporate companies and draft letters of intent. Poorly. If it was up to me, I would report every last one of them for the unauthorized practice of law.

Did you ever see even a single lawyer prepare a financial statement? No, you didn’t.

I have lots of critical things to say about lawyers, but at least they usually try to practice only the profession for which they are licensed.

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Fluff

Resentment and My Robot Vaccum

Saint Augustine is reported to have said that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

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Translations From Lawyer Talk Part Nine: Talking to the Newbies

Beginner lawyers need to understand Partner Talk (“PT”), which is the language that law firm partners use. 

Here to help the newbies are some translations from Partner Talk to Plain English (“PE”):

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Citiots

Prior to retiring from the practice of law, I lived in big cities for my entire life. Upon retirement I moved to the country. Due to Covid and people learning that they can work from home, moving to the country is now something that many people are doing.

In any event, there are a lot of new things to learn when you move to the country. One of the first things that you must learn is that it is important to differentiate yourself from the Citiots.

To help you do that, I have compiled a list of ways to tell if you are a Citiot.

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Translations From Lawyer Talk Part Eight:  Talking to Your Corporate Law Clerk

Every corporate lawyer knows that a great corporate clerk is essential to running their practice. However, in order to work most efficiently with their law clerks, corporate lawyers need to be able to communicate with them effectively. Here are some translations from Lawyer Talk (LT), which is the language that lawyers use to speak to their law clerks, to Plain English (PE):