Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

Here are some of the questions potential clients asked me back when I was practicing law and the answers that I wanted to give them, but never did:

Q. How much will it cost to draft a shareholder’s agreement?

A. If you are shopping for professional services based on price, I really do not want you for a client. I suggest that you find a lawyer who will draft the agreement for you for $750.00 and pray that you never have a dispute with your partner.

Q.   Can you get this deal closed in a week?

A.    Absolutely.  Are you willing to pay double and can you promise not to complain when something gets missed and you lose a tonne of money?

Q.   Do you have a bull-dog litigator who can attack and destroy the other side?

A.    Sure. But isn’t that the type of thinking that got you into this mess, you moron?

Q.  Do you have a male litigator for this claim because I need someone who can be aggressive?

A.  What century are you from?

 Q. Do you have a junior lawyer who can do this (very sophisticated and crucially important) work so it will be cheaper?

 A.  I sure do. Even better, perhaps I can find an articling student for you at an even cheaper rate. Maybe a summer student can help with the project. My idiot cousin just got fired from the bowling alley. Do you want him on the team too?

Q.   Is it okay if I pay you in instalments over twelve months?

A.    Absolutely. Is it okay if I start the work when the last instalment comes in?

Q.  How about you give me a deal on the price this time and I will give you a lot more work in the future?

A     (1) How about instead you pay full price this time, and if you don’t cause me too much aggravation and pay quickly I will consider doing more work for you at full price in the future? 

        (2)  I prefer to do my pro bono work for registered charities.

(3) Sure. I would hate to miss the opportunity to line up more discounted work for the future. If I am lucky enough to hold onto you as a client, I may be able to lose a fortune over the years.

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